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"I could go on and on about the little details that I remember and how they have haunted me, but that due to their insignificance in your mind you probably don't recall."

Anonymous survivor's letter to the perpetrator

[Names have been changed.]

Texas

I now see you as the low-life child-molesting thief that you really are.


Discounting others who you may or may not have abused, I can honestly say that I hate you with every molecule of my being for what you did to me. It has been a long road with many hours spent "on the couch" and only this year did my therapist come to believe that I have evolved into a state of "thriving" rather than the survival state I operated in for many years since 1982.


I don't know how many of the details you remember about what you did to me...but I am still haunted by many of them. I do some counseling now for S.N.A.P. (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests and Preachers) and although it saddens me to see that others suffered the same fate that I did as a teen, there is great comfort in knowing that one is not alone. So many of the people I talk with were 'groomed' in much the same way you groomed me for your ultimate goal: a sexually abusive relationship with me.

Although it was flattering at the time to have the interest of one so much older, I look back now only with disgust. The "frog in boiling water" that I became as you first gave me 'sex ed', then moved on to the games (remember the time you "dared" me to kiss your penis in the back room and how I had to wash your laundry because I lost that bet? At least I managed to ruin your denim suit) I could go on and on about the little details that I remember and how they have haunted me, but that due to their insignificance in your mind you probably don't recall.

I remember that you used to send me home with Coke to douche with so that I wouldn't become pregnant which would have sent you to prison where you belong. I remember the lame excuses that you fed my parents as they trusted you with me, their child, as our Youth Minister, and alleged Man of God, all the while you were fingering me, molesting me on the back roads, in the church houses, and even in my parents’ house while they were away.

I remember where you took me for my birthday, my "Sweet 16", I remember the things you did to me on the way home from that little adventure.


I remember that you cost me not only my high school diploma, but that once I recovered enough to make an attempt at college, you caused that to fail, too.


And I rememer Jane, and Alice and what you did to them, too, and lets not forget Joe.....


It is a small wonder that I survived the rape and brainwashing...much less that I have become so balanced and strong at last. Only through the grace of God did I survive, heal, and finally learn to stand with my head held up in spite of the shame you brought on me. And all of that without so much as a hint of an apology from you after you took my innocence and ruined my childhood and early adult life. You committed a felony with me, against me repeatedly, and you never had the decency to utter so much as an apology. You do not deserve the air you breathe.


I know your muddy-the-water style, but the facts don't change: You, my Minister, a professional clergyman and trusted adult in my life, violated me sexually, probably hundreds of times as a pre-adult teen.


And your poor current wife. I do so feel for her. I must admit it is a point of curiosity for me: How much do you pull off your role-play as a normal, heterosexual man and how much does she, too, have to compensate for your rather 'exotic' tastes? Everyone knows child molesters don't self-heal. Even if you've got on a good game face now, that demon is still there.


As more and more sick, twisted ministerial child molesters get exposed, scurrying-roach style as more and more children and adult victims come forward to shine the light, I will be right there with them, supporting them, holding their hands, telling my story of survival and success. And just as I addressed the Baptist General Convention of Texas in Dallas last fall and spoke to them and the news media there, I will actively seek out more venues where I can tell of what happened to me in the church and help see to it that parents are more aware of the evil hiding in pulpits, and help the victims shed the blame of what they endured. At least now others can learn from and be protected by my telling what you did to me, and all the guilt and shame now has its purpose.