Anonymous

Tennessee

As a married woman in my mid-twenties, I trusted my minister of music implicitly. After all, I had known him for nearly a decade and had been in his youth choir, bell choir, and girls' ensemble when I was a  teenager.

As an adult, I loved being a part of his adult choir and spent many hours volunteering at the church. When he offered me a part-time position to work for him, I jumped at the opportunity to serve in a more official capacity. I loved serving within my church. It was a Southern Baptist church.

The joy I felt in serving in the music ministry quickly evaporated when the minister began to make sexual advances toward me. When I tried to rebuff him, he attempted to reassure me that nothing  was wrong with the situation. 

During the next three years, I felt like I was being ripped apart spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Was this really the price I had to pay to serve in the church? The minister didn't seem to feel conflicted at all and dismissed my discomfort. I began to wonder if he was doing the same thing to other women in the church as well. 

Suddenly I saw red flags everywhere: his love of sexual innuendo, his habit of dining alone with various women, his frequent unannounced visits in the homes of church members when a woman was likely to be home alone, etc. People in the church - including his wife - actually joked about these things. That's just "Larry" they, would say with a  laugh. 

Finally I came to a breaking point. I think the minister began to  fear that I might reveal his sin, for one day he told me, "I'm not  afraid that you're going to tell anyone about this. This is a secret we take to our graves." I took his words as a veiled threat. Even though I knew that I desperately needed to get some help, I still did not want to "tell on" the minister. I had no desire to hurt him or his family. 

I made an appointment with the pastor, intending only to discuss my sinfulness and not reveal any details since I figured this was all my fault. It took several meetings with the pastor before the truth finally came out, as the pastor put the pieces together and correctly guessed the identity of my perpetrator.

"Do you understand that this isn't your fault?" the pastor asked. He then proceeded to say all the right things, explaining to me the imbalance of power in the relationship and the responsibility of the minister to maintain proper boundaries. "You could sue the church and you would win," he sighed. He assured me that he would handle the  situation properly and would do everything he could to protect my privacy. 

Sadly, the pastor ended up making a bad situation worse. He did confront the minister, but rather than firing him he allowed him to resign, confessing publicly only to a "breach of trust." The pastor was so fearful that I would indeed sue the church (something that I never considered doing), that he began to consider me to be his enemy. His heart was set on building a megachurch, and he viewed me as a threat to all his best laid plans. He told me that I couldn't serve in the church until he decided I was healthy enough to do so. When I argued in the days that followed that the entire  situation was being mishandled, the pastor subtly threatened to expose my identity. 

The associate pastor also warned the pastor that the situation was being mishandled and that my perpetrator would soon end up back in the ministry and would inevitably hurt other women. Those words proved to be prophetic.

Within two years, my perpetrator was hired by another Baptist church less than 10 miles away. Tragically, but not surprisingly, he was fired from that church about a year later when  the pastor discovered he was involved in multiple inappropriate relationships. 

I remained in the church for a couple of years before the situation became unbearable. Even though my family found a new church home where I could serve freely, I grieved the loss of my old church family deeply. I spiraled into a depression that took years to lift.

The good news is that I was eventually able to hear God's call and I subsequently went to seminary to prepare for ministry. I am grateful to God for the opportunities that He has given me to serve Him.

The bad news is that healing remains elusive. While I have made great  progress on my journey, the abuse still affects me every single day. Not surprisingly, I have trust issues and am still fearful. I am fortunate to have a patient husband who has endured these difficult  days with me, but the abuse has taken a toll on our marriage. 

I was twice betrayed - first by my perpetrator and then by a church system that attempted to cover up the abuse, allowing my perpetrator to walk away and abuse more women.

God weeps.